i just want something exciting to happen .. im getting anxious because i hate just being still, yet when stuff is actually going on, all i want is to take a break and relax .. will i ever be satisfied? content? something? anything?

soo PE .. went to a football game down at the school he went to, but didn't get to see him .. i went with another guy friend of mine, whom he knows and hasnt seen for prob 2+ years .. i texted him during the week leading up to it when i found out = nothing .. texted him the day before = nothing .. texted him the day of = and yet again, nothing .. when i got home from the game that day, i saw that he was in a relationship with his ex, the one he "cheated" on at the beginning of this semester .. a couple days later, he had a post saying his phone is broke, blah, blah, blah .. was his phone really broke during the game? was it because of her? does he just hate me?

ok, so this was about 2 weeks ago .. between finals and moving back home, a lot has been going on .. dont get me wrong, it still drives me nuts, but hasnt been a top priority .. today, he texts me .. say what??? he says, "hey you probably think i'm dead or that i dont like you. borth arent true haha. how are you?" i responded with something like i didnt think you were dead but the second part was looking pretty good haha and i also said something about i just figured someone didnt want him to text me .. he said his phone had been broke, and didnt really address the situation more than that .. just small talk, "how you doing," talking about the semester, next semester, blah blah blah crap .. i said something about having nothing holding me back and he said ya, thats why we're lucky though bc we have camp .. i said ya, but not all the time, and added something about how maybe its a life transition, idk, but its losing its magic .. learning that the people you thought you could trust when the rest of the world hated you are now not the best people in the world either .. he said something like he was sorry he felt that way .. i said its ok, just cant really trust anyone .. he said, "yeah always known that but that's almost my own fault" .. i asked why and no response .. there was the end to that conversation?

ughh soo frustrating .. just decides to stop talking whenever he wants? its just irritating .. i texted him about 5 or so hours later and said, "this is what irritates me, just suddenly stop talking" .. the very rare times we do talk, this is what happens .. ughhh .. was it because he had practice? phone die? because of her? not wanting to get bitched at? i just dont understand .. all i want to do is understand .. his page is so happy and mushy .. literally makes me nauseous and want to puke .. and of course, she'll post on his page and he'll like it or his status will be soo yuk and she'll like it .. really? who knows ..

besides that just constantly in the back of my head, again with the guy attention problems .. what's wrong with me? a kid i liked about 5 or 6 years ago (summer before junior year in hs) has been texting me .. we really havent talked since then, literally .. he's about 4 hours away right now .. honestly he used to be an ass and complete jerk, but i guess is starting to see the light? idk .. but from what he says, he's figuring out life and getting a lot better .. we're just talking as friends, but says stuff like he'd like to take me out sometime and stuff .. do i keep talking to him because i like the attention? because its someone to text and talk to? someone that will listen?

my dumbass called a guy i was with last semester, who i honestly havent said more than 2 sentences two in one setting this semester, last week after a night out with the girls .. surprisingly, he actually answered! haha .. i went over and we talked for about an hour or two .. unfortunately, i had been drinking a tad and know exactly which buttons to hit .. i found out those buttons still work and ya .. not the worst thats ever occured between us, but definitely unexpected .. no real attachment, which was my goal, as bad as that sounds .. im not that typical kind of girl, but it was nice for once to have the control .. def wont happen again, but again, kind of random, yet nice ..

why do i keep needing this attention from guys?????? ughhhhh