i just want something exciting to happen .. im getting anxious because i hate just being still, yet when stuff is actually going on, all i want is to take a break and relax .. will i ever be satisfied? content? something? anything?

soo PE .. went to a football game down at the school he went to, but didn't get to see him .. i went with another guy friend of mine, whom he knows and hasnt seen for prob 2+ years .. i texted him during the week leading up to it when i found out = nothing .. texted him the day before = nothing .. texted him the day of = and yet again, nothing .. when i got home from the game that day, i saw that he was in a relationship with his ex, the one he "cheated" on at the beginning of this semester .. a couple days later, he had a post saying his phone is broke, blah, blah, blah .. was his phone really broke during the game? was it because of her? does he just hate me?

ok, so this was about 2 weeks ago .. between finals and moving back home, a lot has been going on .. dont get me wrong, it still drives me nuts, but hasnt been a top priority .. today, he texts me .. say what??? he says, "hey you probably think i'm dead or that i dont like you. borth arent true haha. how are you?" i responded with something like i didnt think you were dead but the second part was looking pretty good haha and i also said something about i just figured someone didnt want him to text me .. he said his phone had been broke, and didnt really address the situation more than that .. just small talk, "how you doing," talking about the semester, next semester, blah blah blah crap .. i said something about having nothing holding me back and he said ya, thats why we're lucky though bc we have camp .. i said ya, but not all the time, and added something about how maybe its a life transition, idk, but its losing its magic .. learning that the people you thought you could trust when the rest of the world hated you are now not the best people in the world either .. he said something like he was sorry he felt that way .. i said its ok, just cant really trust anyone .. he said, "yeah always known that but that's almost my own fault" .. i asked why and no response .. there was the end to that conversation?

ughh soo frustrating .. just decides to stop talking whenever he wants? its just irritating .. i texted him about 5 or so hours later and said, "this is what irritates me, just suddenly stop talking" .. the very rare times we do talk, this is what happens .. ughhh .. was it because he had practice? phone die? because of her? not wanting to get bitched at? i just dont understand .. all i want to do is understand .. his page is so happy and mushy .. literally makes me nauseous and want to puke .. and of course, she'll post on his page and he'll like it or his status will be soo yuk and she'll like it .. really? who knows ..

besides that just constantly in the back of my head, again with the guy attention problems .. what's wrong with me? a kid i liked about 5 or 6 years ago (summer before junior year in hs) has been texting me .. we really havent talked since then, literally .. he's about 4 hours away right now .. honestly he used to be an ass and complete jerk, but i guess is starting to see the light? idk .. but from what he says, he's figuring out life and getting a lot better .. we're just talking as friends, but says stuff like he'd like to take me out sometime and stuff .. do i keep talking to him because i like the attention? because its someone to text and talk to? someone that will listen?

my dumbass called a guy i was with last semester, who i honestly havent said more than 2 sentences two in one setting this semester, last week after a night out with the girls .. surprisingly, he actually answered! haha .. i went over and we talked for about an hour or two .. unfortunately, i had been drinking a tad and know exactly which buttons to hit .. i found out those buttons still work and ya .. not the worst thats ever occured between us, but definitely unexpected .. no real attachment, which was my goal, as bad as that sounds .. im not that typical kind of girl, but it was nice for once to have the control .. def wont happen again, but again, kind of random, yet nice ..

why do i keep needing this attention from guys?????? ughhhhh

Well maybe it's me, and my blind optimism to blame ..

for some reason, i cant get him out of my head .. you know, the one you're never going to have a shot with, yet there is something so perfect about him that you just can't say no .. he's just one of those people you look at and picture the 'perfect' future, but he doesn't see himself like that ..

yes, this would be the boy who goes to a different school .. let's call him .. PE .. don't ask haha .. we talked a little bit yesterday, and he said he's just been sooo crazy busy .. its understandable, he has a lot on his plate right now .. i told him that i texted him the other day, which i shouldn't have told him, considering it said, "I miss you." .. he told me that he has thousands of messages in his inbox .. i asked him what does he do then? how do his friends get ahold of him to do anything? he told me he responds to the ones that need responded to at the end of the day .. i joked with him and said, "You're just too popular." he said something like he didn't feel like it ..

i just cant get a grasp for him .. i cant understand him .. is that why i'm so drawn to him? on top of everything else? i was looking at pictures from the camp we both attend each summer, which is how we know each other, and just something about him just intrigues me .. i want to know more about him, i want to be good friends with him, i want to understand him .. and ya, maybe i'd like to see if it'd go any farther .. but i'm obviously the only one that feels thats way .. i said something yesterday like, "i wish we were closer" .. he said you mean distance? i said well ya, distance, but as friends, idk how to say it .. he didn't say anything back ..

i asked him if he was dating this girl that he was interested in when i went down to see him and he said no, he didnt mean for it to come off that way .. but he never really said anything .. so that's just it .. i AM the only one who wants us to be closer .. why is this bugging me so much? is it because he is unattainable? because i cant know him as well as i want to? because i can't know the situation? because i don't understand how he operates? it'd be different if he was just a typical asshole, but he is a genuinely good guy .. that's what draws me too him .. should i just give up? why do i even care so much? shouldn't i want someone who is just as interested or concerned about me? what's wrong with me then for him not to be that way?

where or where to begin .. this time last year i started blogging to help with the times in my life .. i was so excited because things were looking up .. i started a new job, met a great guy .. i was soo happy .. a year later, im doing the same thing .. ironic?

i'm just waiting for it to be next semester all ready .. i want to start my student teaching .. i want to go to germany for 8 weeks .. i want to do something with my life, instead of sitting here, getting angry about having to wake up at 9 to go to work .. stupid right? but thats all i have to focus on until mid-January .. no true true friends, no guys, nothing really .. instead of doing my last few big projects for school, i keep sitting here thinking how i cant wait to do something with my life! am i ever going to feel satisfied?

why do i feel like i constantly need the attention of a guy to feel satisfied? ive been talking to one of my friends from high school recently .. only hung out maybe 3 times in the last month? we're complete opposites, but text everyday .. we both know nothing is coming out of it, but why still talk like we are both trying to find something? what are we both looking for? we know we arent gonna get it from each other, yet we wont give up ..

a kid ive known since i was little who now goes to our most popular state school and is on a very exclusive team for that university .. this summer, i found myself being attracted to him, but dismissed it .. a couple months ago, i was in that town and we met up for dinner .. again, found myself falling for him .. the more i think about it, the more stupid i feel .. why do i think of him so highly? we never talk, and when we do, i feel like im bugging him or he knows that im fishing around for something .. i just want to be closer to him, friendship wise .. does him being two years younger make that big of a difference? ok, so not lookin too bright, but why do i keep hanging on to the idea of him?

a boy from the previous university i attended .. has had a girlfriend for 6 or 7+ years .. something about him always caught my eye .. college kids like to have a drink or two, make out or two, ya or two .. while still remaining in that relationship? i almost feel as guilty as he should (granted, this was almost 2 years ago) .. he knows its not good, yet has also told me many times that he knows that she loves him and that she could never anything come in between them, even something like that .. again, total opposite of a person as i am .. but is that need to feel wanted still overruling my emotions? even if it isn't 100% genuine? whyyyy????

owner of local college bar .. almost 29 years old .. adorable guy, all the girls think he's cute, gives all the girls free drinks .. business ploy? that's why i thought .. why take him seriously .. the last few times my friends and i have gone to this place, he has been especially nice to me .. he always has remained very professional in the times i've seen him (which is sadly a lot since we go their often) .. never crosses the line with anyone - very level headed .. last week, he was coming on real strong .. i have never seen him act like this towards a girl, and my friends said the same thing .. at first, he doesnt really say anything unless i start talking to him and joking around, then he seems to become comfortable "hitting on me" .. do i take him seriously? is he cute? definitely .. but how successful is this going to be? he said he would like to take me out sometime .. if this bar talk? idk what to think .. soo confusing .. again, in my head, is it just for the attention and wanting to feel wanted?

ex-boyfriend of a little over 2 years .. dated for about two and a half years .. broke up my sophomore year of college, his freshmen .. he was my absolute best friend in the world .. we've known each other since we were nine .. he knows everything about me, and will forever have a piece of my heart .. it was a very bad breakup, and we have been able to talk as friends so id say the last 4 months or so? its been two years since we broke up! but hey, slow is better than nothing right? i randomly text him when i'm drunk, and vise versa .. about a week or two ago, one of my friends had a pure romance party .. even though it was a wednesday night, we decided to have fun and have a few drinks at the party .. a few drinks turned into the bar .. needless to say, we had a good time .. i texted him, and surprise, he was drunk too .. we talked about a lot of inappropriate stuff that should probably never be talked about between the two of us ever again haha .. even though he was drunk, i had him to the point of almost driving the two hours from his school to mine .. we havent seen each other in about a year and a half .. side note: he was the last, and only, person i have ever slept with - looking at the years listed, you do the math - its been awhile .. considering he's been the only one, i wouldnt feel as bad since its already happened .. and like i said, it has been a good while .. a girl has needs, and when the one person who knows you better than anyone who you havent felt that connection with in two years is playing off of those needs, what are you supposed to do? when he gives you those perfect examples that make you're heart race, what are you supposed to do? when he knows exactly what buttons to push, what are you supposed to do? when are are alone and have no one else giving that kind of affection, or at the least some type of attention to you, what are you supposed to do?

meanwhile, i feel so worried that i will never find my true love .. am i looking to hard? looking in the wrong places? not looking at all? i feel like i'm waiting for something to just come and hit me in the head and say IM HERE! COME AND GET ME! some days i feel hopeless, but i know i'm simply a hopeless romantic .. i have so much love to give, but i want to give it to someone who is going to give me just as much back ..