where or where to begin .. this time last year i started blogging to help with the times in my life .. i was so excited because things were looking up .. i started a new job, met a great guy .. i was soo happy .. a year later, im doing the same thing .. ironic?

i'm just waiting for it to be next semester all ready .. i want to start my student teaching .. i want to go to germany for 8 weeks .. i want to do something with my life, instead of sitting here, getting angry about having to wake up at 9 to go to work .. stupid right? but thats all i have to focus on until mid-January .. no true true friends, no guys, nothing really .. instead of doing my last few big projects for school, i keep sitting here thinking how i cant wait to do something with my life! am i ever going to feel satisfied?

why do i feel like i constantly need the attention of a guy to feel satisfied? ive been talking to one of my friends from high school recently .. only hung out maybe 3 times in the last month? we're complete opposites, but text everyday .. we both know nothing is coming out of it, but why still talk like we are both trying to find something? what are we both looking for? we know we arent gonna get it from each other, yet we wont give up ..

a kid ive known since i was little who now goes to our most popular state school and is on a very exclusive team for that university .. this summer, i found myself being attracted to him, but dismissed it .. a couple months ago, i was in that town and we met up for dinner .. again, found myself falling for him .. the more i think about it, the more stupid i feel .. why do i think of him so highly? we never talk, and when we do, i feel like im bugging him or he knows that im fishing around for something .. i just want to be closer to him, friendship wise .. does him being two years younger make that big of a difference? ok, so not lookin too bright, but why do i keep hanging on to the idea of him?

a boy from the previous university i attended .. has had a girlfriend for 6 or 7+ years .. something about him always caught my eye .. college kids like to have a drink or two, make out or two, ya or two .. while still remaining in that relationship? i almost feel as guilty as he should (granted, this was almost 2 years ago) .. he knows its not good, yet has also told me many times that he knows that she loves him and that she could never anything come in between them, even something like that .. again, total opposite of a person as i am .. but is that need to feel wanted still overruling my emotions? even if it isn't 100% genuine? whyyyy????

owner of local college bar .. almost 29 years old .. adorable guy, all the girls think he's cute, gives all the girls free drinks .. business ploy? that's why i thought .. why take him seriously .. the last few times my friends and i have gone to this place, he has been especially nice to me .. he always has remained very professional in the times i've seen him (which is sadly a lot since we go their often) .. never crosses the line with anyone - very level headed .. last week, he was coming on real strong .. i have never seen him act like this towards a girl, and my friends said the same thing .. at first, he doesnt really say anything unless i start talking to him and joking around, then he seems to become comfortable "hitting on me" .. do i take him seriously? is he cute? definitely .. but how successful is this going to be? he said he would like to take me out sometime .. if this bar talk? idk what to think .. soo confusing .. again, in my head, is it just for the attention and wanting to feel wanted?

ex-boyfriend of a little over 2 years .. dated for about two and a half years .. broke up my sophomore year of college, his freshmen .. he was my absolute best friend in the world .. we've known each other since we were nine .. he knows everything about me, and will forever have a piece of my heart .. it was a very bad breakup, and we have been able to talk as friends so id say the last 4 months or so? its been two years since we broke up! but hey, slow is better than nothing right? i randomly text him when i'm drunk, and vise versa .. about a week or two ago, one of my friends had a pure romance party .. even though it was a wednesday night, we decided to have fun and have a few drinks at the party .. a few drinks turned into the bar .. needless to say, we had a good time .. i texted him, and surprise, he was drunk too .. we talked about a lot of inappropriate stuff that should probably never be talked about between the two of us ever again haha .. even though he was drunk, i had him to the point of almost driving the two hours from his school to mine .. we havent seen each other in about a year and a half .. side note: he was the last, and only, person i have ever slept with - looking at the years listed, you do the math - its been awhile .. considering he's been the only one, i wouldnt feel as bad since its already happened .. and like i said, it has been a good while .. a girl has needs, and when the one person who knows you better than anyone who you havent felt that connection with in two years is playing off of those needs, what are you supposed to do? when he gives you those perfect examples that make you're heart race, what are you supposed to do? when he knows exactly what buttons to push, what are you supposed to do? when are are alone and have no one else giving that kind of affection, or at the least some type of attention to you, what are you supposed to do?

meanwhile, i feel so worried that i will never find my true love .. am i looking to hard? looking in the wrong places? not looking at all? i feel like i'm waiting for something to just come and hit me in the head and say IM HERE! COME AND GET ME! some days i feel hopeless, but i know i'm simply a hopeless romantic .. i have so much love to give, but i want to give it to someone who is going to give me just as much back ..